Who the Hell Is Mowing?

      On this damp, dismal, gray Friday morning, like so many other gloomy days of this summer, I cannot believe my ears!  Incredibly, I hear the sound of a lawn mower.  I instantly begin muttering to myself until it turns into a growl to no one in particular, and I bark out, "Who the Hell is mowing?" 

     I look out the window.  Yes, indeed, as I suspected, one of my neighbors is mowing his lawn.....again.  That's the second time this week he's mowed.  Why can't he, along with the rest of my neighbors, wait at least a week to mow?  What is wrong with these wackos?  No one needs to mow more than once a week.  Heck!  You could even wait a week and a half and that would be great.  Don't these mowing maniacs realize how bad they make other neighbors and their yards look?  Are they sadists?  Is this a competition and they are trying to mow before anyone else and achieve that elusive "one upmanship"?  They need help.

     Grass is a part of nature and should be revered and enjoyed.  It's a natural part of the environment, along with beautiful wildflowers and trees. Yes, it should be maintained, but do we prune trees every 4 or 5 days?  Do these eager beavers cut their own hair every 4 or 5 days?  Then why cut the grass so often?

     Why is there such frequent mowing in my neighborhood?  What possesses people to do this?  I find it incomprehensible.   Why does one neighbor have a lawn service come in to mow with their professional machines, and then he goes out when he gets home and re-mows with his push mower?  Do these certifiable folks have nothing better to do with their time except to play "Yard Man"?  Are these henpecked husbands?  Are these women who have an OCD streak?  Are they trying to outdo the Joneses?  What are they thinking?

     I realize some of my neighbors actually put fertilizer and other stuff  on their yards to make the grass grow even faster than normal.  Are they totally insane?  Think about it -- people put chemicals on their lawns to make grass grow faster so they can mow more often.  I think these people need to be committed.

     Do these frenzied fruit loops find pleasure in these economically depressed times in spending all their hard-earned money on gasoline to mow so frequently?  We should be helping our country and not using gasoline unnecessarily.  Grass can wait a week, or even longer, to be mowed.  What is the deal?

     I do not share this urgent, incessant compulsion to butch my grass and act in a frivolous manner by spending money and gasoline to scalp it to acceptable proportions as dictated by the neighborhood nut cases.  I may be semi-retired, but I refuse to mow more than once a week no matter how much my grass grows.  Thank goodness the house on one side of me is still for sale, and their yard looks far worse than my jungle.

      Stop mowing the grass so often, you fanatic freakazoids, or I will turn you in and Mother Nature will deal with you!!!

    For the rest of you, please join the Less Mowing Is Beautiful movement!  You don't have to mow so often.  You can enjoy nature, plus help save the environment.  You can save money.  C'mon -- you know you want to become a part of the "grass roots" movement!