My New Car Makes Me Cuss!

My new car makes me cuss!  Yes, the CRV makes me cuss.  The CRV may only be a year old, but cuss and wilder words pop out of my mouth each time I’m behind the wheel.  The CRV simply smiles.

Loaded with modern electronic equipment, the CRV makes the driver’s language not easily controlled.  I’ve even had the dealer turn off most of the annoying electronic features, as possible, but cussing occasionally wafts the vehicle air. 

Soon after my purchase, an LOL (Little Old Lady) in front of my vehicle decided to turn right, and elongated her excruciatingly slow turn into 45 seconds on a 35 MPH street.  The CRV flashed “Brake” and then another "Brake" at me, before barking a beeping warning.  I yelled aloud to the car, “I don’t need you crabbing and flashing at me!”  He smiled again, and I directed my yelling to the LOL and her car in front of me.  “Get that piece of bleepity crap off the road, you stupid blanket-blankety Dumb Bleep! You don’t need a century to turn right!”  I probably should have been patient, and probably didn’t need to cuss, but I felt satisfied.  My car smirked.

Maybe other drivers are smiling, but try driving in the computerized CRV when a snow squall bombards the vehicle.  When this happened to me driving in front of Sam’s Club, lights and symbols illuminated the dashboard.  I refused to pull over, and finished driving myself home, muttering and cussing under my breath.  “Hades Fire!  This car is new, and it has problems?”  Once I pulled into the garage, I looked up weird car symbols in the driving manual, and then had to call the dealer.  According to him, when the radar sensor on the vehicle gets blasted by poor weather conditions, symbols and messages flash and turn on.  No wonder I cuss in the car.

Maybe some people think they already know the plethora of modern vehicles’ acronyms?  No, I’m not referring to the easy AWD or ABS, and if anyone thinks ACC refers to Air Conditioning, that is incorrect – ACC means Adaptive Cruise Control.  I love these newer acronyms – LKAS, BSI, LDW, ROM, LSF, SMS, CMBS, VSA, and TPMS.  Ha! Do I also need a new driving feature showing a coffee cup symbol so the steering wheel vibrates, beeps, and sends a message if driving lasts more than 30 minutes and the car thinks my attention is lacking? To reset this feature, the driver has to pull over, stop, unbelt, and open the car door.  Do I need a vehicle so complicated now that I can’t drive it without hassle, pain, and cussing?

I’ve named my CRV.  His name is “Zombie.”  On one occasion as I drove, I could have sworn the vehicle flashed “Brains” at me, like he might eat the brains of the car and/or driver in front of him.  I realized moments later that he flashed “Brakes” at me rather than “Brains,” but the vehicle made more sense with the misreading message.  Zombie and I both cuss now at the pissy drivers near us.  We should eat their brains, but Zombie and I are afraid we’d overeat.  In addition, we’re not sure many of the drivers and their vehicles have “flipping brains.” 

Driving down the “main drag” makes Zombie freak.  He often warns me the other drivers are bird “brains,” flashing “Brains, Brains, Brains.” Obviously, he makes me cuss.  Maybe it’s a good thing that no one can read our lips as Zombie and I travel.  “Don’t pull in front of us, you crazy Dirt Ball!”  “Stay in your freaking lane, Nut Case! Can’t you drive?”  “Get off your cell phone, bleepity Soccer Mom!” “Passing a line of cars on a double line, you flipping Punk?” #@&$%*...  Yes, my CRV, Zombie, smiles.