No Mo Crows!

Driving up and down Route 60 North, and in many fields and neighborhoods in northern Muskingum County, the site of a horde of evil, giant crows swooping down upon unguarded garbage bags, massing in the trees, and lining fields is fairly common.  They are everywhere.

When I heard the obnoxious screeching of many crows one morning last week, and the singular cry of a red-tailed hawk, I rushed to my back window, only to discover that depraved, black invaders had surrounded my poor hawk in the bottom of the driveway, overpowering him fifteen to one.  Those bastards!

I flapped the curtains and the crowd of bullying marauders flew off in a big, black cloud, leaving the hawk sitting by himself, dazed, for a few seconds.  The hawk looked around as if wondering how he had been saved, and then took off.

Red-tailed hawks hunt small rodents, and now in the northern part of this county, they are being terrorized.  Crows do nothing except poop, and are often so proliferative, they destroy crops.  So, they eat a few grasshoppers; so can my cat.  Spring is coming and the crow population will be increasing, along with all their pooping on people and everything else.  Already crows are running into cars on the Vets Memorial Bridge, and people have  complained to me about the crows ripping into their trash bags, scattering trash across yards.  Rotting garbage invites skunks, rats, and other critters.

These crows created such a problem in Coshocton County, that measures were taken to force the pooping curmudgeons out of Coshocton, and the crows now have taken up residence here in Muskingum County.  How long will the Muskingum County Commissioners harbor these fugitives?  I highly recommend you make a call to the commissioners, like I did, voicing concern and asking for a resolution to this problem before it becomes even worse. 

It's Complicated!

So often in today’s society, we explain relationships on social media as “complicated.”  Most of us seem to understand this term “complicated,” and all that it can imply. 

My car and my phone refuse to talk to one another.  I don’t know what happened between them.  It's complicated.   One minute they were friends and talking, and the next there was only silence.   Even after a week, they both continue to ignore each other.  Both of them are available.  Their bluetooths are on, but they don’t care.  I've begged them to break their silence.  They don’t want to communicate.  Nothing I do seems able to change their minds.

I realize I’ve survived for more than half a century without having a cell phone or a talking car.  I tell myself to suck it up.  I should just grit my teeth, and pull over to answer or make a call on my cell phone if I need to do so.  I remind myself, at least, I have a mobile device, but their folded-arms, silent treatment annoys me.

I admit it.  I’m spoiled.  I liked pushing a button on the steering wheel and talking to the car.   The fact my car and phone refuse to speak to each other has begun to anger me.  They are not the only ones involved.  I feel helpless.  I can’t help them, and I can’t help myself.  I’ve checked the communication settings on both. 

Do modern life and relationships really have to be this complicated?  There’s only one thing left to do to solve this standoff.  I guess I should make an appointment with a counselor who excels in relationship problems.  Maybe he can help my car and my cell phone communicate.  This problem seems to be more than a misunderstanding, and I certainly don't wish a divorce on anyone.

We need an appointment with a relationship specialist.  The car and the phone, and I, all need help. Otherwise, I can't be responsible for what I might do.  Help us, Boy Wonder, before it's too late.  Counsel us.

The Bank Won't Take my Money!

Banking is a routine ritual in everyday life.   Sometimes it creates a momentary, mundane breeze, but seldom does a banking storm erupt.  After visiting my son in the big city several weeks ago, he asked me to deposit the $80 I wanted to give him for the computer parts he had purchased and installed on my computer.   He did not want the extra cash hanging around.  He’s a modern child who uses his credit card for most needs, paying it off in full each month.

Throughout his college years, I, the Mom, have deposited many dollars into Boy Wonder’s checking account. It’s what a mom does.  I have his banking card.  So, the following afternoon on my way to work, I drove up to his well-known bank and its drive-through window, as usual, with his bank card to deposit money into his account. 

After sending in the canister with the check card and the $80 to deposit, the Teller at the Drive-up Window smugly informed me I could not deposit the four $20 bills into my son’s account.   Shocked, I asked why.  She only offered the excuse that the bank could not take cash.  I explained I had deposited money into my son’s account many times, but she simply held her stance, reporting the bank could not accept cash deposited into someone’s else’s account.

Baffled over a bank not accepting cash, and infuriated because I didn’t want to be late heading into work, I drove around the bank to the front, parking the car, and hurried inside.  I approached the first bank officer in her little office.

“Yes, that’s right,” she espoused.  We can’t accept cash.  We can only take a money order or a check.”

Money orders cost money, so I obviously did not want to use a money order.  “You mean I can’t deposit cash into my son’s account, but I can write a check out to my son and you will take it?”

“Yes,” she smiled with her pasted-on, blank, banker look. 

I waved the four $20 bills in the air.  “This is real money!  Real money!  You won’t take real money, but you’ll take my check?  Why is that?” I inquired.

“We have to know where the money is coming from,” she replied.

I wanted to respond, “It’s coming out of my ass because I’m giving it to an asshole of a bank,” but I refrained.  There were other people around.  Instead, I patiently explained as if I were talking to a two-year old, “I’m not withdrawing money.  I’m depositing.  I’m a mom.  I’m depositing $80 into my son’s account, like I’ve done many times.  You’ve never objected to real money before.“

“I’m not a criminal,” I added.  “I didn’t rob a bank so I could come over to another bank and deposit stolen money into my son’s account.”

 She, and the bank, needed to know "where the money is coming from?"  Did she think I was a drug dealer and this was drug money?  I had news for her – drug lords make far more than a paltry $80, and they don’t deposit into someone else’s account.

As she trudged back to her office with her false smile pasted on, I plopped down onto a nearby bench and angrily wrote out an $80 check to my son. 

Holy Sheep Crap!  The kid had changed his last name to my maiden name last year.  Had he changed his name on his banking account?  Had he changed his account number?  I would never be able to explain that to these odd ducks.  Almost panicked, I decided to write the check to the kid using his first name, his original last name, and his new last name to cover all the bases.   I simply wanted to deposit money into the kid’s account.  Explaining would only make matters worse.  In anger and trepidation, I stomped toward the teller’s window. 

Another bank officer and his office were in the direct line to the teller.  I stopped in the open door and waved my $80 in the air, like it was flapping in the breeze.  “You can’t deposit cash into someone’s account?  This is real money,” and I waved it again to prove my point.  “You can hold it up to the light, or you can take your magic yellow marker and see this is real money.  I’ve never heard of a bank refusing to take real money!  You’ll take my check, but you won’t take my real money? That is definitely stupid and asinine.” 

By this time I had built momentum and evolved into hurricane-force winds. “This rule is asinine and stupid.”  I was pointing my finger at this juncture to emphasize the words “asinine” and “stupid.”   

I continued.  “I realize it’s not your fault, but the banking big wigs who made this decision to not take real money are asinine and stupid.”  Again, I pointed and jabbed my index finger in the air as I spit out the key words.

I finished making my point and pointing, “This whole idea is asinine and stupid!” and I marched over to the teller to deposit the check.

“I’m sorry.  I was the one helping you at the drive-up window, and I forgot to tell you that you could use a money order or deposit a check,” she gushed. 

I couldn’t stop myself from repeating the words that succinctly explained this situation.  “The fact this bank will not take real money is asinine and stupid.  I’m not depositing thousands of dollars in unmarked bills (if they have those?) into my son’s account.  I’m not withdrawing.  I’m depositing.”

 I continued, displeasure dripping from every word.  “I am so glad I do not keep my checking account here in this bank,” and I collected the deposit ticket, in case the bank tried to stiff me, and I stalked out the door.  I’m sure gale force winds began to swirl behind me.

Since when did real money become so undesirable and obsolete?  What kind of weirdos manage our banks?  I’ve heard of a material world.  Maybe this has become a paper/plastic world?  In the meantime, just give me all your cash, your real money, and I’ll take care of it for you! 

Crime of the Week

Another winner drove a car around town yesterday with the following posted in red shoe polish on his back window: "Honk if your horny." Is there no end to heinous grammar atrocities in this Nation of Nincompoops?

Any dimwit knows "you are" = "you're." "Your" shows possession. The only possession I see here is the possession of a car, little education, and a non-caring, indolent attitude. No wonder the car was parked in a handicapped spot.

"Here I Am. This is me." (~ Bryan Adams)

I have a secret.  Most guys won’t find this monumental, but gals will understand the importance.  I can’t use a curling iron.

Let me rephrase that.  On the few occasions I’ve attempted to use a curling iron, the results go beyond disastrous.  Since I can’t enslave my layered, wavy tresses into the curling iron with any precision, wild hair ends sprout out and erupt in all directions when I unleash the barrel.  I look like I have stuck my finger into a light socket.  Perhaps you’ve seen pictures of mad scientists, or pictures of folks with hair attacked by static electricity – they have nothing on me.  You could rat my hair to its highest, and spray it, but not even that can compare to my curling iron coiffeur.  Each hair on my head springs out of the curling iron into an individual stance, all pointing a different way.  Kids and cats usually run at the mere sight of me emerging from a session with my curling iron.

This week then, when my hairdresser, Michelle, had fixed my hair…with her curling iron, I received 17 compliments about my hair at work from gals as well as guys.  “Your hair looks great!”  “I like your hair.” “Wow!” 

Yes, one day every five weeks, my hair looks wonderful…because Michelle does it.  The other 34 days, I fix my own hair.  I do not use a curling iron.  I cheat, and I use a heated curling brush instead.  That’s the best I can do, and obviously, my hair does not look nearly as good, but I’ve tried.  I have my own Cindy style of wild Irish hair, tamed down a bit with the heated curling brush.  On the days I fix my own hair, my only consolation at my lack of curling iron skills is that, at least, I don’t look like an electrified Bichon Frise.  

Road Rage Solutions

Dear Detroit Auto Designers:

Please develop new car designs to include an automatic jiggler/taser device. 

Any driver who attempts to pull into the turn lane and either isn’t smart enough, skilled enough, or doesn’t care whether he pulls his car inside the turn lane lines or not, will automatically trigger this inventive device to start jiggling and wildly shaking the idiot driver inside his own car.  The jiggler/taser will also activate for any driver who pulls the front end of his vehicle into the turn lane while leaving the ass of his car stuck out in the other lane, blocking traffic headed in the same direction, forcing those drivers to come to a complete stop.  The incompetent driver’s horn will then blare loudly at him, before initializing a taser device delivering a jolt to the blunderpuss.

I think installing this jiggler/taser device is the only fair thing to do to resolve this issue.  A massive number of drivers either need to return to driver's ed for driving instruction rehab and/or attitude adjustment.  Shaking the driver in his own vehicle, blasting him with his own horn, and tasering him will deliver an alert or wake-up call to the incompetent driver that he needs help.  This new jiggler/taser certainly seems to be the best solution to stop drivers from leaving their car’s ass in someone else’s lane.   

Thanking you in advance for your new design,

                                                                                             cs

Relationship Status

Daniel and I are in a relationship that’s categorized as “complicated.”  He and I disagree on occasion, and even argue heatedly with one another.  He usually wants me to do things his way, while I think I am right and my way is better.  Other times, however, Daniel and I travel Life’s pathways contentedly, basking in comfortable silence and companionship.  Daniel is my GPS.

First of all, let me say Daniel is an amazing guy.  He doesn’t constantly need my attention, and delights in giving me some space while he takes some time off to do his own thing.  I don’t need him with me every trip I take in the car, particularly if it’s around town or places I’ve been before.  I’m fine by myself.  Daniel trusts me, and I trust him.

The two of us also respect one another.  Daniel exudes intelligence and is always up-to-date.  He automatically knows his way around the countryside, seldom making a mistake.  His math skills are legendary.  He quickly and accurately calculates distances and time, solving multiple problems simultaneously.  At the same time, Daniel appreciates my abilities to make sure we always have gas in the tank, and he knows I am good at planning every aspect of our trips, from hotel lodgings and finances to discovering area attractions and stops.  Our time together is wonderful as well as exciting. 

Sometimes Daniel and I irritate one another, but isn’t that what happens in most relationships?  Some people squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, and sometimes Daniel deliberately doesn’t tell me to slow down when rough rail crossings are coming up.   I’m sure I annoy Daniel at times, too, with my impetuosity – after all, not all service areas or restaurants sound as good as others, so I sometimes change my mind capriciously.  Those, however, are minor issues that come with day-to-day living.  We accept one another as we are, and revel in our journey through Life together. 

Occasionally, Daniel and I disagree on the best route.  We both insist we know best, and an argument will ensue.  Both passionate  creatures, Daniel and I do our best to present our different views to each other.   Daniel likes the most direct route, while I like the route that also takes traffic into account.  Daniel, being the gentleman, usually concedes to my choices, with only a hint of exasperation in his voice as he says, “Follow the highlighted route.”   

After a few more heated exchanges, Daniel usually allows me to have my way despite his impeccable knowledge of the area, by simply telling me, “Recalculating;”  I smile as I know he is allowing me to have input, too, despite his objections, and I feel special as well as safe in his arms.  We’d be lost without one another.

What more could anyone want in a relationship?  Daniel and I have good communication skills, trust one another, share mutual respect, and enjoy being together.  We care deeply about one another.  May all of you find as wonderful of a relationship as Daniel Garmin and I share.