Garbage men in neighborhoods across America are not whom they seem to be. They may look like ordinary garbage men, but these seemingly innocent beings revel in torture, and I suspect they are actually Stormtroopers working for the Empire.
Two months ago, probably under the orders of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Maul switched my garbage collection day…again. Forecast information obviously predicts multiple windy days, and possible rains, on a majority of Wednesdays in Nashport for the next several months.
While people are still at work, therefore, the driving Wednesday winds can hurtle empty trash cans into streets for school buses, Fed Ex trucks, and other assorted vehicles to hit and smash. Because of the fury of the winds on Wednesdays, empty trash cans can roll through fields and entire neighborhoods never to be seen by the owner again. Much lighter trash can lids can be blown to Siberia, or even Naboo and Alderaan.
Following the orders of the Emperor, the Stormtroopers use “mind games” as one torture technique for those putting out their trash. Palpatine intends for all to succumb. For several weeks after the collection day changed, the Storm Troopers roared up to my house to gather trash between 11:10 A.M. – 11:19 A. M. This was merely a trap.
The following Wednesday, my sweet dreams and sound sleep ended violently at 6:53 A.M. The banging metal, crunching, and sputtering sound of the garbage truck in front of my house reverberated in my ears, jerking me awake. The Stormtroopers arrived early. My garbage, to the Emperor’s delight, was not outside in time.
Why do I not put my garbage out the night before, you wonder. Ah! It’s part of Emperor Palpatine’s torture. As he said to Luke, “Your feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side.”
If I foolishly put my trash out the night before pick up, night varmints slink through the darkness to wildly rip open the garbage bags, scattering trash and garbage all over the yard and road. If anything is still in the garbage bag after the initial attack, evil, marauding crows arrive with the first streaks of light to stab the plastic bags with sharpened beaks to finish the job. At such times I hear faint sounds of the Emperor’s laugh being carried by the wind.
Trying to fool the night creatures is no use. Even duct-taping lids to garbage cans to keep trash safe is no obstacle for raccoons who find taped lids more entertaining than 10 year olds find playing Minecraft. The Emperor smiles when anyone is stupid enough to put their garbage out the night before. As he has said in the past, “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.”
Recognize the Stromtroopers for who they are. Do not give in to anger and aggression, or the Dark Side will take over, and turn you into Stormtroopers who must follow the Emperor's orders. Keep your composure during the Garbage Wars, and proudly declare your allegiance to the Jedi. May the Force be with you.
